When I went to the tip a few weeks ago with Andrew’s records suddenly I heard this song on the radio
I cried my eyes out saddened by the thought I was letting something go that was so precious to us both but also aware I have to let go to move forward.
But I don’t know where I am going anymore. At the moment I feel as if I am making such a mess of everything on my own and today once more for no apparent reason I am in floods of tears.
I miss Andrew so much and wish he would just walk through the front door with his cheery “honey I’m home” said in jest, a take-off of American sitcoms.
I wish he would look at the accumulated mess and resolve to sort it out together. Because together we could do this
Cue another Diana Ross song
On my own I fill my days up with nonsense but every now and again a bitterly cold wind blows away the fairydust and I can see what’s underneath, just me, lost, alone and in a muddle.
I push on each and every door I come across hoping one will open, but when one gives I fall flat on my face and it hurts!
I reach for bits of glitter but however far I stretch it soon becomes clear they are merely pinpricks of light in the night sky beyond my grasp.
I used to be able to write myself happy, somehow turn the sad thoughts around, today I think I’ve lost the knack.
But every day some small things do make me laugh out loud and I am using them as stepping stones to cross this river of tears.
I have no idea where they will lead me, or if they will have me spinning in circles, but smiles and laughter are always good.
And one thing always leads to another like a "chain reaction"...
... now that's a song that will always make me laugh and cry... but that's another story!